10 Ways Ego Causes Downfall of Your Marital Life – Sh. Yaser Birjas


I attended a very beneficial session by Shaykh Yaser Birjas during this past ICNA 2014 in Baltimore, Maryland. Below are my notes on the 10 ways ego can cause downfall of your marital life by Shaykh Yaser Birjas. May you find benefit in them. Ameen!

1. Ego will make you half-blind

You only see your side of the story and you’re not ready to see the other half of the truth. In order to open your mind, give it a chance and expect yourself to be wrong.

2. Ego will make you a bitter arguer

This will cause a bitter cycle of who’s right and who’s wrong. The argument is no longer about the actual argument, but whether or not you can prove that you are right even when you’re not.

3. Ego makes you look selfish/arrogant

You will not care about the other person anymore because you’re more worried about keeping your ego in tact.

4. Ego can make you resist positive changes

There are times in life where you have to make major decisions. You can end up making the wrong decisions solely because of your ego.

5. Ego can make the problem last longer

This point was emphasized more than the rest, because at times this is the cause of recurring arguments. You can make an issue last longer or perpetuate the issue over and over only because of your ego.

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When that person you love says something hurtful to you.  When that life you dreamed of goes a totally different route.  When you feel like you have neglected the greatest responsibilty that Allah bestowed upon you.  When the weight of the world gets too much for you to handle…make wudu, pray two rakah and elongate your sujood and cry and cry and cry.  That crying in sujood is positive; that crying will lead you to depend solely on your Creator; that crying will lead you to find out about Allah’s names, to be in love with His names, to be in love with His book, and to be in love with the messenger (صلى الله عليه و سلم) who carried out His book in his mannerism.  This crying will lighten your heart, will give you the strength to face whatever He gave you and will make you ever so grateful to be His slave.


acceptanceAfter 5 years of marriage, I’ve come to realize that in order to have a happy marriage there must be acceptance.  Learning to accept your spouse’s personality and habits without wanting to change it is one of the keys to a happy household.  I’ve learned to accept that the hubby will panic when he can’t find his way.  I’ve learned to accept that he is highly sensitive to what others think or say.  I’ve learned to accept that the best way to bring up a point is to show him rather than talk to him about it.  I’ve learned to accept that we are so different in so many ways yet so alike as well.  I’ve learned to accept this and many other things.  This acceptance comes from the realization of the fact that both of us have chosen to be in this marriage.  In this day and age where we both have economic freedom, and other freedoms there’s nothing really that is forcing us to be together.  We want to be together and when we let go of this expectation of our spouse acting/reacting/being a certain way, and we just accept them for who they are, a beautiful thing happens, they begin to accept us and give us exactly what we have been looking for in this partnership called marriage.  What had you learned from your married life? Please share.  The longer you are married, the more you have to share :)

Reflections #1- Parenting

People always blame the parents especially the mother when the kids misbehave.  Yet when the kids are successful they forget to give credit to the parents and often credit the kids themselves for their success.  This is similar to our relationship with Allah at times.  We we are able to do good we praise ourselves yet when we fall short or fall into sin we blame Allah for not giving us the opportunity to do good or we blame shaytan for his waswasas.  

Teaching Kids the Quran

I remember learning the Quran as something academic; something I had to learn to read as a Muslim.  It was never explained to me WHY I was learning to read this, nor was it explained to me what this book actually was.  Most of us grew up this way through no fault of those who raised us.  We learned how to read the Quran but never did we learn that it was the guidance for our life, never was the relationship with the quran stressed.  We learned the Quran from people who had memorized the Quran but didn’t necessarily understand it, or had a relationship with it themselves. Hence many times we were threatend with punishment if we didn’t read it correctly.  As my son begins to hit the age of three and as I start to figure out how I am going to teach him, there are some things in my mind that I have promised to do/or not do when it comes to teaching the Quran.  Here’s a list of those:

1.  I must love the Quran, have a relationship with the Quran and understand its importance in order to teach my kids to love this book and turn to it for Guidance.  Have you ever taken a class from a professor that really loves what he is teaching?  If you have you will realize that when they love it, it is so easy to love learning it even if it is not a subject that you like.  This is how I want my kids to learn and I want them to be around teachers who teach them because they love the Quran themselves.

2.  The Quran can never be taught by threatening the kids with punishment if they don’t get their words right.  Wouldn’t it be better if we instead told the kids about the hadith that there is reward even for the one who struggles with his pronounciation of the Quran? in fact that person’s reward is more since he is struggling to learn the word of Allah.  What a beautiful motivator for the kids.

3.  The Quran must be taught in a beautiful environment.  There’s got to be a place in the house that’s like serene, beautiful and comfortable where we teach our kids the Quran.  They will want to stay longer in a this beautiful enviornment instead of wanting to finish everything fast so they can relax in their room.

4.  The meaning and the Why’s of the Quran should be taught.  Why are we learning this book? After we learn to read it correctly how do we use it in our personal lives? etc, etc.   Kids are full of questions, they should know the heavy weight of what they are learning and have all their why questions answered.  Also after the everyday lesson of reading in arabic, at least a half hour should be spent on the meaning/tafseer of it.

That’s my starting point for now, I’m sure I’ll be adding more as I actually start this journey inshaAllah.  May Allah make it easy for me to teach this book with sincerity and may Allah make it easy for our children to sincerely learn this book and to love it and turn to it in every situation.  Ameen!


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