How To NOT Get Kicked Off Your Next Flight

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How to not get kicked off your next flight:

The following are all helpful tips I have gathered from different incidents that have occurred to Muslims on airplane flights.

  1. If you own a cell phone, don’t act like you do. In other words, don’t touch the cell.
  2. Make eye contact with those who are staring at you suspiciously and smile. Not too hard, but not too soft either. It has to be just right or there will be chaos.
  3. Do not look around at signs, exits, the cockpit, or flight attendants for more than 1 second.
  4. Don’t take off your seat belt when the seat belt sign comes off. People will think you are up to something.
  5. If you are a male, do not wear cologne, but don’t smell bad either. The scent might make some people high and think that you are a terrorist trying to drug them. Connect the dots and don’t be stupid.
  6. Don’t stand up during your flight. See #4 . Shake off your charlie horse or cramps in your legs when no one is looking. If not, live with it. No pain no gain.
  7. Do not recite any Qur’an verses to yourself, or worse, out loud. This also implies you can’t pray either, that should’ve been obvious.
  8. If someone is sitting next to you, do not try to talk to them first. If they don’t talk to you the entire flight, it’s most likely they are scared of you, so try not to move at all during the flight.
  9. Don’t go to the bathroom. If your flight is 14 hours long, don’t drink or eat during this time. This takes training just like #5.
  10. Try your best not to look anxious or worried, but don’t look too relaxed either. Look up images of people with Botox and imitate those facial expressions.
  11. Go to sleep as soon as you can so people don’t think you’re up to something. If your flight is 3 hours or less, act like you’re sleeping, but don’t blink while doing it or that will be even more suspicious.
  12. Don’t ask the flight attendants for anything unusual or that could be taken as unusual such as water, nuts, or an extra napkin.
  13. Try not to fidget around so much and don’t mess with any article of clothing. Resist the urge to scratch your nose.
  14. If you wear a hijab, don’t wear a pin. If the hijab falls off, at least you didn’t get kicked off, right? Weigh the pros and cons and you’ll see what I mean.
  15. If you have a beard, don’t stroke it like the wise man you are. That is for evening dinners with friends. 
  16. And lastly, hold your breath the entire flight. This also takes practice and conditioning beforehand. Don’t worry, it is (im)possible.

Have a great flight!

If you’re a Muslim or look Muslim (what does that mean? I don’t know either), don’t let Islamophobia ruin your day or your life. Having Islam in your heart is the best thing you have done with yourself. Be proud of it. Don’t let go of it because of other people. Don’t let other people live your life the way they think it should be lived, no matter where you live or where you were born. Give effective Dawah to people so they can see for themselves who Muslims really are. If you have Allah, you have everything. So don’t worry about it, just relax and BREATHE. 😉

*Disclaimer: This post was written in a sarcastic manner to poke fun in light of recent events around the world regarding Islamophobia. These tips are not meant to be taken seriously at all nor are they here to evoke in any controversies regarding flights. There is no hidden message behind this, it’s just to make you (hopefully) smile/laugh.

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